Wednesday, 06 January 2016

The two main causes of sibling conflict caused by a parent’s need for care

Finding a solution that resolves family conflicts amicably is never easy. If the issues are lack of understanding of what a carer deals with, or guilt of a sibling too far away to help with care, then talking about these matters could go a long way in turning resentment and conflict into support and understanding. These are the two main reasons for conflict over an elderly parent’s care:

1. Inequality

This is about the law of distances whereby the closer dependant (in physical distance) is automatically apportioned the responsibility of the biggest share in the care of a parent. What this does however is create enormous amounts of resentment. Unfortunately this resentment will seem unjustified in the eyes of dependants who are furthest away, and will have an unrealistic view of the amount of care required and the daily challenges that a primary carer faces.

2. Money

There are generally two causes of money conflict:

The first is often linked to inequality: one sibling may be paying more than the others, either because they are closest (in proximity) and therefore spend more on day to day expenses, or because they are furthest away and feel obliged to pay for big expenses such as their parents rent, both of which cause conflict.

The second reason, is inheritance. Although we like to think that we would undertake to oversee the care of our parents for no financial reward, the sibling who is doing the most caring, or who is paying the most financially for their parents care may feel entitled to a bigger portion of the inheritance. In some cases a sibling may resist the notion of getting additional help with care or placing their parents in an assisted living facility in order to protect their inheritance.

In some cases a neutral third party is needed to intervene to ensure that disagreements don’t result in a split that divides a family when they most need each other’s support. Some mediators and councillors will work directly with families to either resolve ongoing conflicts or to help a family prepare for their parents care. The mediators will guide the family in finding solutions that work for everyone, anticipating areas of conflict and determining a plan to resolve these issues before they occur.

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